Sibling Strife

Dear Reader,

A different topic this time around. And something I’ve thought about heavily these past few months. My mind has been dancing between some dark areas, and areas that were lacking. And one thing that came up was my lack of connection to my two older brothers. I’ve found that I really don’t have much of a connection, or longing of their presence.

Now that we’ve all became adults and beginning making our own lives. Both of my brothers have moved out and rented a place. Making their own place in the world. While I’m inching closer to my Twenty-First birthday in four months. They’ve done quite a bit despite the troubles they’ve gone through. and I hate to admit I don’t miss them at all. Nor am I really eager to see them.

There are quite a few reasons why I see why I’m not troubled with them gone.

My older brothers are two years apart, while I am the youngest by five and three. With that, they’ve already gone and made their choices. They have vastly different experiences. More attachments to my extended family than I’ve bothered to have. But with choices and experiences, I feel that’s taken it’s toll on their relationship with me.

      Both have a history of crime behind them. From just the common youth mistakes and poor choices. To further crimes. Theft, drug use, assault, Car Theft. They have both at least done these things. The strain it has placed at home was felt horribly. With a single mother doing everything and a half to straighten them out. But only to sadly fail when they both have spent time in federal prison for a month or two.

The second eldest child followed the first. He admired him. Idolized him if that is to be said. He’s even gone further than the first with heroine, multiple breaking and entering charges, and longer time spent in prison. He’s caused a lot more harm than the first. And to layer onto his problems is his high aggression against me as a child.

As the youngest of the three. I watched it all. I saw them get in trouble. I would go periods of time without seeing them. We hardly did much together as brothers. I felt like I had to wait until they were kicked out or left till I felt truly safe at home in my time. But I never spoke up about my unease and my sense of danger whenever they were home. As I only watched and listened from behind the safety of my door and room.

My brothers were aggressive. I’ve got my fair share of scars and bruises they’ve left on me. I couldn’t fight and often bullied me. Although some memories remain where we got along, those memories amount little to the mountain of disdain I held against them. I never provoked physical fights. Plenty of verbal however. But never struck first. I learned that they want you to fight.

They’ve fought multiple people. Many stories now between my step-dad and second eldest brother end up in someone getting punched or shoved. I know not to feed into their desire to hurt. As much as the aggression has died down, it still remains there. Much of the pain from the past has left me wanting to distance myself from them.

 

Another reason is the betrayals I felt. If it was not against my mom. It was on me. I’ve been lied to, stolen from, and pushed into corners into aiding them. I can’t trust them any more. And it takes the scrutiny from my family,  and the excuse “They’re family you know…”. To push to even bother with them. And I try my best to remain hidden as I’ve spent much of my life.

I don’t want to be involved with them any further than their children. With the second having a child just two years ago. My niece is a bright child and I wouldn’t do anything to be involved in her life. As long as I live with my mother, she will also have her Uncle Travis around. Until the day I’ll need to move out and make my place in this already crumby world.

For the sense of resentment of my brothers. I only get a sense of naivety from them about me. they talk to me normally. That same, somewhat rushed and never lengthy talks when we speak. We actually talk to one another like anyone who talks to those extended family who want to know what’s new, but never truly get involved in your life to be worth much thought.

I honestly look at my brothers.. not as brothers. Not as friends. But as if they were cousins I never really want to hang out with. Even when their girlfriends, and now wives have truly changed them for the better. There is still nothing that remains between us that establishes a better relationship. I never looked up to them. I never want to speak to them about anything anymore.

 

My older brothers also have nothing in common with me. At one point, I’ve had a connection with the eldest when we both played World of Warcraft on my account. We could speak at length about encounters and things like that. But when he quit. that interest dropped like a rock, and we remain distant and silent.

Our music tastes are vastly different as they enjoy hard rap and Insane Clown Posse. While I enjoy the orchestra and pop. They love the outdoors and hunting. While I prefer to stay inside and play games. They smoke cigarettes and pot, while the least I ever do now pop back soda, and ever rarely a beer. Just everything they do, I am the complete opposite and cannot stand it.

The most we have done together in the longest time is when we went on vacation in 2013. We went out with our boat, and camped out there. Swimming, fishing, pulling the raft. For as much fun as that has been. That was the last thing we did and truly got along. Now it’s been distance once again. Awkward conversations made up the entirety of 2015.

I just sometimes wish I could build an interest with them. I’ve tried getting into their hobbies, and only fell short.

—————

This year, I feel much of my dark thoughts have stemmed from the broken relationships I have. How my resources and pool of people who I can open up too is dwindling. As seen in older reads in this blog. My friends don’t even truly know who I am. How I think and what I want from life. It seems the only people who even know me.. is my mother, my friends online, and one person who speaks to me on occasion.

This online personality gives me the chance to open up to people, where those at home should be the first to know. How I fear speaking to them, I’m not afraid to open up my Battle.net account and tell one of my friends of how I loathe myself, or how I feel like I messed up. But can’t work the nerve to my close friends and family about my own feelings and mental state.

As my anniversary of my suicide attempt passes by this week. I’m going to continue examining the clear problems. Maybe vent about it.. maybe even find ways to fix them. But there are no promises. I still hold the same resolve to open up about myself. But lack the courage to budge. We will see with this new year on what happens.

In short, my older brothers and I have a distant relationship. I honestly believe there wouldn’t be anything missing if we stopped speaking to one another now. Our entire lives have been distant. And the responsibilities of the older brothers watching over me died long ago. Maybe they died when my father passed away. The one man I never knew and never will. While they had a chance and felt heart broken for most of their youth with that gaping hole in their hearts they had to fill on their own.

To me, they were never big brothers. Even as the closest of biological family. They really do not encompass much love from me. Even as family, I know that there isn’t much to the imagination happening once we all go our separate ways.

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Long Time Gone, but Greatly Recovered.

So I thought I forgot my WordPress account quite a long time ago. I thought writing my mind out back then would work. But found my late night writing came to an end after getting my new job and responsibilities. As I near my first year since my suicide attempt. I felt the need to come back onto Thoughtsblots once again.

I look past at my other posts, and saw my situation. How it has changed. Even though the seasonal depression is setting in. I’m doing far better now than I did in the beginning. This week I search to enroll into college, and find a new pristine plate to begin this new phase of my life on. What I decide to try out in the future from here on. My sexuality and state on my skepticism hasn’t changed much outside of my family knowing where I stand. And their respect couldn’t have been better.

I still work on speaking with my friends and opening up. Only two really know my stance, and I try to throw the hints without being too forward on the friends who don’t support LGBT folk. It would be a huge stress relief once the rest learn, and perhaps see the results. Which still scare me. But I know it’s bound to occur. They’ll learn one way or another, and I could only hope my approach is well received.

I know this blog is very disorganized, very messy. And lacks structure. But I feel the need to pick this up once again. Give my blog another shot. Perhaps add new topics that are both popular, and unpopular. And try to vent my mind in other ways that are not just my depression. We’ll see where the future goes. As I near the anniversary of my suicide attempt. I recognize a turning point of my life. Where I was at the darkest point, and turned my life around.

Growing with New Ideas (Atheism and Hope)

Dear reader, it certainly has been a while since I’ve last posted anything. With work consuming most of my free time. I’ve found little time to write anything that came to mind I wanted to discuss. However, in recent times, I’ve come to question my previous faith and my new look upon my new ideas as an agnostic atheist. To compare what my christian views are supposed to be, as opposed to my new beliefs.

I want to make this clear, as atheism is quite the bane of any religion. Atheism does provide hope. Hope is not a godly aspect, nor is it a religious aspect either. Hope is something we all yearn, and desire. To hope for a better tomorrow is something we all share. Hoping we live another day. Hoping our next work day doesn’t suck. Hope is in everything we try to achieve.

As a christian, I was often told, or implied aside from God. You cannot have hope in anything. You can’t have any TRUE hope. Which bothered me, a lot. How can’t we live with hopes and dreams without a god? How did we, as human beings even consider hope as something only a God can provide?

I will note that Atheism is not a religion. It’s not a way of life, or set path of lifestyles. Atheism is the lack of a belief in a God or Deity. Plain and simple. My life as a person didn’t change much when I came to the conclusion that I no longer believed in a God, or rather man made gods. I still worked, I still kept my friends, I still love my family. I still have my morals. Nothing in my life drastically changed when I claim there is no God man has imagined to be true.

When I stopped believing in Christian’s version of God. I felt more relieved. The idea no matter what you, me, or anyone else does. The higher power considered us worthless. I couldn’t do anything good that wasn’t called evil. I can’t try to be a nice person without being worthless. What was worse, no matter what I did. People were per-destined for hell. So much for “God’s Mercy” when he picks who ascends and descends.

Stopping my belief in god didn’t screw up what I believe is wrong and right. I still consider many things wrong, and likely will never change my view on that. Such as murder, thievery, rape, all the sorts of things that I’m certain you think is wrong. However I know a new hope for my life and what to achieve in this short life in mine.

I grew to accept death. Death IS natural. you can look to nature and see how it utilizes death, to bring new life. We all will meet death, it’s a fact of life. However, I’m no longer afraid to die. But does that mean I seek it? Of course not. I feel more motivated and free to make the most of my life. To find happiness, and give happiness to other folk. To make the best of everything life presents. For my family, and others.

I have hope in a brighter tomorrow for everyone. Not for a God who doesn’t raise a finger when I prayed. It was the actions of myself to determine what was to pass. If I saw a homeless man sleeping on the street. What is my prayer going to be? “Please god send something to help this man.” When I can take the action to help the man himself? Why am I so worried for God to take action, when I can do it myself?

I can take the action, that someone else will pray for. I have a hope what positive actions I put out there, will breed more positive results. Not to reward me, but make someone else’s life a bit easier. I hope that whatever I can do, my fellow man and woman will prosper and live a better life. Rather than live in negative light like the religions across the world like to present the rest of the world.

I grow each day with this new open minded approach to everything now. I have new hope in my life to make things better. Death is the final frontier, but that is the future. What matters is what we can do today, that will impact tomorrow. That is a way of life I wish to live. Rather than cling onto the hope that there is something beyond death. I don’t want to cling onto a hope that maybe my mother, when she dies isn’t going to be burning in this Hell because she believed the wrong god, or no god.

In the end, my newfound hope is given because I’m no longer centered upon fear of death. I’m not trying to blind myself to the nature of death in hopes of an afterlife. If it exists, I’ll find that answer out myself. But until then, I’m going to work to make a new generation to make life easier for everyone. To help them step by step to a new future. Not to a god who won’t take action, but to a future of where we all work hand in hand to secure happiness the best we can make it.

Microtransactions, DLC, and the horrors of Modern Gaming

Dear Reader, this topic tackles the topic of Gaming’s state in our current generation. From triple A title games, to the lesser games. This has came upon my mind after watching a popular youtuber’s video tackling this subject. Which you can watch below.

Boogie2988 here dissects the topic pretty well, and there is nothing really to argue against these ideas. I can agree with much of what Boogie has spoke about. And I feel there is more to bring forth about this. And how Modern gaming has become so riddled with greed and spite from developers to consumers, and vice versa.

Downloadable content, Microtransactions, Day 1 DLC, store location DLC, Season passes, pre-order bonuses. Why have games become so targetted for profit to the point it becomes detrimental to the game’s enjoyment and structure? Or better yet, why is our producers cutting big parts from the game just to turn it back around at us with a price tag?

We’ve seen plenty of games come along where there are immense amounts of DLC produced for them. From Dying Light’s cut of “Playing as a zombie” set behind a price tag before it was eventually opened to all players. A feature that should’ve have been available at the beginning of the game. To Evolve’s extreme amount of DLC content. That cut access to a playable creature, to guns and such. We have seen so many games come out with a price tag lock to hold us from playing a complete game.

Downloadable content has become such a huge part in modern gaming. To milk every cent out of our pockets. As the producers of these games want to make every dollar that they can upon any game. Even if the game flops financially, they can rely on DLC to save their hides from a critical failure. Games like Dead Island still made a profit on it’s DLC content, despite the game failing in ratings and sales.

I would want to propose a scenario. To anyone here who has played the big title: “The Elder Scrolls V, Skyrim”, imagine if many of the quests, or big features of Skyrim were locked behind a price. You couldn’t finish the “Unrelenting Force” shout without forking over three dollars or more. You were not allowed to recruit Derkeethus as a follower without Day One purchase. Or you couldn’t purchase/make a healing potion without tossing 50 cents.

Greed has taken gaming by the hair and been holding it for quite a bit. Prices of games are far more expensive in terms of completion. A game now days tends to feel incomplete without the installment of DLC or DLC-exclusive content. Producers are holding big parts of games behind these price tags and it only adds more discontentment to us consumers.

Downloadable content should add MORE to the game. To give a breath of fresh air and not to detract from the game. To keep the relevance of the game for all who wish to continue playing it. When I download some big DLC piece for a game, I want to have more to play to my game. Rather than feel forced to pay more just to get a complete game in my hands.

Skyrim’s DLC is a good example of  good downloadable content. Hearthfire, Dawnguard, and Dragonborn are all excellent DLC pieces that add more to the game’s environment and edge. You could download this game, and just get more to your experience. It added more to the game’s lore, didn’t take anything from the experience, and gave Skyrim’s reception even higher.

Downloadable content needs to give more to the player. And Producers are just not eager to do that. We see Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed flop with an ingame microtransaction system that LOCKED character progression in skills, moves, and abilities. This should NEVER be within a game. As Boogie states above, I shouldn’t fork money over to fill my car with gas. In game mechanics and character progress shouldn’t be halted by price tags. I wouldn’t love Skyrim at all if progressing past lv. 2 abilities in mage spells cost 5 bucks or more.

I believe producers need to learn what DLC was meant to be in the first installment. If your game feels incomplete, do not hide our missing pieces behind price tags or time locked prices. The consumer feels untrustworthy to the producer, and could lead to a possible decline in gaming sales because of these greedy motives that leave games half baked and unsatisfying.

The Over Exaggeration of Patriarchy and Feminism’s Fall.

I do want to warn my audience beforehand that this is a topic that tackles first world feminism and the ideas that are often tossed about within it. It’s been a huge topic on my mind and I want to tackle it with my thoughts. I want to also note that my views do not stem because of my male gender or “privilege”. But the observations and opinions I’ve developed from what Feminism has shown.

Feminism is a huge topic now with equality. Women in history has been through undoubtedly tough situations. From being bargaining chips for royalty, to being second class humans. In the past, women were not equal as humans but rather an attachment. That has quickly changed with the new knowledge and ideas we accumulate as humans. As we progressively identify the strengths of both genders and welcome the full expression of it.

However, it’s taken a sharp decline since major media has become more and more prevalent in our society. The vocal masses are caught between “Equality for all genders”, “Equality for all but straight, white men”,  and the notorious “Man-hating cults”.  All these ideas and stereotypes have become so prominent between the views of people. We have so many issues between people’s individual views and how it applies to Feminism, we come to find the most simple of things in life to be “oppressive” to women.

Let’s take a good look into the “Manspreading” situation on the public transportation. Women have come to find that the way a man sits is oppressing women in some way.

Women come to find that how a man “Spreads eagle” so insulting and rude. However, we are easy to brush away the times when we find women doing things even worse.

We are so quick to blame men for so many issues. Nit picking at the little things that men do, or fail to do and shame them for it. Which a lot of feminism has become lately. We have women accusing ALL men for being patriarchal scum. From the common tweeting feminist, to bigger names who just cringe at the idea of men.

“All men are rapists and that’s all they are” — Marilyn French, Authoress; (later, advisoress to Al Gore’s Presidential Campaign.)

“To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.” — Valerie Solanas, Authoress of the SCUM Manifesto (SCUM stands for Society for Cutting Up Men)

“If life is to survive on this planet, there must be a decontamination of the Earth. I think this will be accompanied by an evolutionary process that will result in a drastic reduction of the population of males.” –Mary Daly, former Professor at Boston College, 2001.

These quotes here show the degradation of feminism. Where misandry comes into play. Where women claim these outrageous things about men. And unfortunately, get a vocal group to support such claims. Do we not realize that these man hating voices hinder the support of gender equality? Or are they just so ignorant or burnt with some past pain to even make such broad claims?

I never have once heard from another man that we should kill the women in the world. It’s a ridiculous to even consider removing an essential part of human beings to bring forth a new generation of equality and acceptance. We can never achieve tolerance through intolerance!

Let’s move onto another example. Anita Sarkeesian. A very vocal feminist who holds her opinions upon women in media. Which is making news almost every month somehow. Her voice is backed by who knows how many. But she makes outlandish claims and even makes claims that SUPPORT Patriarchy.

Lets take a look into Anita’s discussion in the “All About Women (2015)” and her input. From her words, she tries to explain to women on how to be a feminist, and what does and doesn’t work. But does she not realize what her words tackle against? She is vocally expressing patriarchy.

“More and more, I hear variations on this idea that anything that any woman personally chooses to do is a feminist act, this attitude is often referred to as “choice feminism”. Choice feminism posits that each individual woman determines what is empowering for herself, which might sound good on the surface but this concept risks obscuring the bigger picture and larger, fundamental goals of the movement by focusing on individual women and a very narrow, individual notion of “empowerment”. It erases the reality that some choices that women make have an enormous negative impact on other women’s lives.

It is not enough to feel personally empowered or be personally successful within the oppressive framework of the current system. Even if an individual woman can make patriarchy work for her, it’s still a losing game for the rest of the women on this planet. The fact of the matter is that some choices have ramifications beyond ourselves and reinforce harmful patriarchal ideas about women as a group and about women’s bodies in our wider shared culture.”

This quote here speaks about a woman’s choice to choose what she feels right for her. What she feels oppressed, and empowered by. Patriarchy would not support that individual thought for the woman. Individual Feminism, or individual equality is a GOOD THING! It’s a great right we have as human beings to choose what we feel is best for ourselves. A woman does not need to live in patriarchy if she chooses to do what she wants.

Many things that Anita Sarkeesian is known to speak against a woman’s choice to work in sex work environments. Where she will even inadvertently slut shame women for making choices to use their feminine sexuality to get ahead in life. Claiming that they are holding women back in equality. Shouldn’t we embrace a woman’s choice to go into any career she wishes? Anita is painting portraits that the female body is shameful and should be covered up. And a lot of people agree with this mind set.

I’m impressed that we are so quick to get offended by things that even promote Freedom of Expression. Where we have people apologizing for their positive notes on the expression of sexuality and human body. The famous #Shirtgate issue is just one of the many issues feminism has fallen into. Where a man wears a shirt with plenty of scantily dressed women is brought to tears because people are so offended by a woman’s body. Which, mind you. The shirt was made BY A WOMAN!

We should not censor art for the extreme political views of anyone. Art is a means of expression, and things where a woman wants to express her mind on the human body shouldn’t be taken offensively.

Feminism has fallen greatly from it’s first generation forthcoming. We have people who unknowingly support patriarchal views, and others who absolutely want to subject men. What happened to the equality aspect for all genders? This is why I try to convince all my friends to be human rights activists or egalitarians. For the modern Feminism has become a venomous cess pit of mixed views in the popular culture. We have examples of true work such as the ongoing effort to let women drive. But is easily shadowed by the common nonsense that is now American Feminism.

These are just my thoughts on the matter. Feminism needs a huge revamp right now because it’s current condition is more problematic, than helpful. We’ll never see proper equality if we have these confused opinions on what a woman should find empowering and oppressive. We need people to see the common sense in things, and fix what is broken. Not what isn’t broken.

If we wish to see men and women stand together and hold equal opportunities. We will need to stop having the “Us versus them” mind set. Feminists needs to see men just as equal to themselves. Not as public enemy number one. For there will never be a proper way to equality if we pretend there’s a gender war.

The Concerns as a Growing Adult

As a growing adult, I come to hit my twentieth birthday come this May. As each year passes by, I tend to reflect on the choices and major events that occur with each year since I’ve hit sixteen. The choices I’ve made as an independent adult and how I used my new responsibilities and freedoms go under some overly critical analysis. Breaking old habits and fads, and developing new ones. Seeing old beliefs and views change so quickly.

One of my greatest fears as a growing adult is to make choices that will ultimately define what the rest of my life will follow. To do something so trivial or stupid and never break such a habit. Something like picking up smoking, or becoming an alcoholic. Things that I’ve always said “I’d never do that!” are never written in stone as life will throw curve balls so quickly and suddenly.  It almost spooks me with what changes will come.

I’ve recently looked back into an old internet phenomena, Chris Chan. A thirty-two/Thirty-three year old, highly functional autistic man who was a huge target for bullying and online harassment. Who never really learned from his mistakes and continued to feed the fire of harassment with responses that only hindered him in the long run. I’ll include this Link that is a proper documentary made to introduce new folk to this man. I look into this man’s life and what he shared online, and it made me realize what I don’t want to be as an adult.

I intend to grow up. Some of the habits I have now when I’m both alone and with friends will inevitably end. Or at least I would love to change a bit more out of the immaturity I have held onto. I take a look into Chris Chan, and see how habits of the past can become destructive in the future. How obsession can turn any fun thing into nearly an all consuming monster. It was almost pitiful and scary to see what the adult man can become.  Regardless of disability or not.

I won’t deny that Chris Chan’s Autism and sheltered life has become the catalyst for much of his issues in life now. But even autistic men and women learn from old mistakes, and can still function in society as ordinary human beings. The example we have here, is someone who never takes responsibility for his own shortcomings and how much of his bullying was easily avoidable if he didn’t fall for the same tactics, over and over again. Unfortunately, there are more people who follow the same path without any sort of mental disability. Just the common human ignorance.

But back on topic, Much of my choices in life affect my self image and how I view myself. With my new job, and how things have been handled lately. I do have some issues, but nothing nearly as serious starting this January. But I still go back to the little things I do. Such as making random noises when I’m alone in my room. Talking out loud to the words on this screen. Even to the more embarrassing things… LARPing in my privacy and speaking out in characters of those little epic scenes in my head.

Some of these things are just so random and strange. It makes me wonder how I will look come ten years from now. Will I still be this strange man as I am now? Who’s head is so stuck in the clouds with imagination and fantasy, will I ever acknowledge the earth beneath and find a healthy medium for all this new change that comes in plentiful amounts. It’s a hard thought since I still dread the idea of growing up as well.

I understand that there is no real definition of “normal”. I have accepted that a long time ago. But I feel there is a point in our lives that we begin to calm down. I want to try and relax this overly excited brain and try to find things to focus directly upon. I don’t want to lose the fantasy and imagination, but I would not want it to consume my life as Chis Chan has let his “Sonichu” overcome his life. I wouldn’t want something I love become my top obsession and sacred relic.

I fear to become something that shows my immaturity never grew up. To become an older adult who thinks, and acts like a child. Who cannot handle the reality of this world with a reasonable and thoughtful mind. Chris Chan stands out as a character that I wouldn’t want anyone to become. And sadly, there are those who do became such. Never owning to their mistakes, nor learn from them.

As I grow up and change each day. I don’t want to lose sight of who I am. But I do want to improve my being. To change and prosper for the better. To be myself, and not the product of some other person or system. I just don’t want to be something seen as a disgrace. Perhaps my overly childlike nature may stick with me through the years. It may bring new things, or just leave me to my own little world.

Levels of Depression from Day to Day

This topic settles on a thing I’ve come to observe.  This isn’t the kinds of levels in chronic, chemically, or major. Rather the stages in life. Where our emotional highs and lows are. And how we cope with each situation. I won’t deny the severity of kinds of Depression. I personally all people can experience depression. When things change, or fail to change. Results don’t fare well for you, or merely just things around you influence your mind and it’s idle thoughts.

As of recently, I have gotten a new job that not only pays well, but I’m associated with people with similar interests and feel very welcomed in the job. A bit tough but have a group of people I’m happy to work with. In this situation, I don’t have a bad influence or lack thereof to give into some thoughts I’ve had in the beginning of this year. I would say my depression has been “quelled”.  I have things changing for the better and I am pleased with the results.

But what happens when you’re in a situation where from my experience: you’re unemployed, inactive in any groups, living in your parents’ basement, and left good opportunities behind. In this situation, I was more prone to question my purpose to life. To continue anything when it was relatively pointless to me. I walked away from the church so far to where I hardly attended until my friends had to ask me to come.  I had no motive or purpose to continue with something I thought, and still think is meaningless outside of the community. In this time, my depression was easy to hide but was eating away slowly.

I had my parents mad at me for lacking any sort of contribution to rent. Leaving my personal care to someone when I should be able to handle myself at this age. The negative reinforcement was taken badly to me. Not everyone will snap to reality when hit with reality, especially when one already knows it and just can’t figure the path on their own.  My depression became worse as time came on.

As the life of this unemployed young adult progressively got worse emotionally. The physical situation didn’t help at all either. My mind ponders the easy ways out, and suicide was such a reoccurring thought. Thinking of ways to get out of the problem I dug myself into and always coming back to the idea of ending myself appealed more and more outside of my own reservations.

Moving on, time changed and after my break down and later counseling, I have seen progress come into fruition. As things begin to become more positive, my thoughts change. With positive results, reinforcement, and just finally making good things to come. My mind has become occupied with more things than that lingering presence of suicide.

Depression has so many factors to it, and I’m so surprised how quick one can change from happy to downright miserable. How quickly good things and bad things can make others change their behavior. I would say depression is there always. It’s that little devil on your shoulder who just whispers sweet deals about the worst situations.

When you have a proactive life. when you are accomplishing things you want. When you feel purpose. Often or not you’re more likely to not feel suicidal, or feel down. I can’t guarantee this, as upbringing, culture, and peer expectation can still have factors. Right now, I’m in a stage where I feel better than before. I still have the idle thought, but no impulse here could get me to move on that thought. I don’t have a tendency to just dwell on all the things wrong with me, my family, my community, my situation, anything that could bring me down. I have a vocal result that has money coming in, pulling my weight, and in fact doing far better than before.

But when you are in a situation like I was a few months prior to now. You feel just absolutely worthless to the world. Being the first of three sons to graduate, as the youngest as well. Everyone has great expectations for me. To graduate college, to become the very opposite of my older brothers. To have a good paying job that will help me on my feet. Yet I failed all these. All my life I tell myself I’ll be better than them, but only to fail. How terribly can that hurt one’s self esteem and self worth?

I often feel each day, the events we run into can determine our worth to ourselves. If the day is overly positive, we might feel less bad than normally. When you have a situation or an event that just hurts your common day to day life. You’re more likely to feel sad or depressed.  How severe your situation is, can really depend how your inner thoughts turn. You’re less likely to feel hopeful.

I still face these thoughts. I’m not quite going to escape the religion influence that undoubtedly has helped me in my youth. And the lingering fear in my mind attributes to my depressed thoughts. “Will they hate me if I proclaim to be atheist?” “Will I have people harass me for leaving the church?” “Will I lose the friends I made in that church?” “Will my choice bite me in the ass later?”

I don’t intend to let my situation bring others down. But I also feel and think that the events of day to day influences our thoughts and self esteem. I can’t tell people to do positive things as it doesn’t guarantee that feeling you want. But I certainly know things that just preoccupy your mind can deafen out the devil on your shoulder. Things that either express your thoughts, or something to make you happy will tend to make your mood raise up.