This topic settles on a thing I’ve come to observe. This isn’t the kinds of levels in chronic, chemically, or major. Rather the stages in life. Where our emotional highs and lows are. And how we cope with each situation. I won’t deny the severity of kinds of Depression. I personally all people can experience depression. When things change, or fail to change. Results don’t fare well for you, or merely just things around you influence your mind and it’s idle thoughts.
As of recently, I have gotten a new job that not only pays well, but I’m associated with people with similar interests and feel very welcomed in the job. A bit tough but have a group of people I’m happy to work with. In this situation, I don’t have a bad influence or lack thereof to give into some thoughts I’ve had in the beginning of this year. I would say my depression has been “quelled”. I have things changing for the better and I am pleased with the results.
But what happens when you’re in a situation where from my experience: you’re unemployed, inactive in any groups, living in your parents’ basement, and left good opportunities behind. In this situation, I was more prone to question my purpose to life. To continue anything when it was relatively pointless to me. I walked away from the church so far to where I hardly attended until my friends had to ask me to come. I had no motive or purpose to continue with something I thought, and still think is meaningless outside of the community. In this time, my depression was easy to hide but was eating away slowly.
I had my parents mad at me for lacking any sort of contribution to rent. Leaving my personal care to someone when I should be able to handle myself at this age. The negative reinforcement was taken badly to me. Not everyone will snap to reality when hit with reality, especially when one already knows it and just can’t figure the path on their own. My depression became worse as time came on.
As the life of this unemployed young adult progressively got worse emotionally. The physical situation didn’t help at all either. My mind ponders the easy ways out, and suicide was such a reoccurring thought. Thinking of ways to get out of the problem I dug myself into and always coming back to the idea of ending myself appealed more and more outside of my own reservations.
Moving on, time changed and after my break down and later counseling, I have seen progress come into fruition. As things begin to become more positive, my thoughts change. With positive results, reinforcement, and just finally making good things to come. My mind has become occupied with more things than that lingering presence of suicide.
Depression has so many factors to it, and I’m so surprised how quick one can change from happy to downright miserable. How quickly good things and bad things can make others change their behavior. I would say depression is there always. It’s that little devil on your shoulder who just whispers sweet deals about the worst situations.
When you have a proactive life. when you are accomplishing things you want. When you feel purpose. Often or not you’re more likely to not feel suicidal, or feel down. I can’t guarantee this, as upbringing, culture, and peer expectation can still have factors. Right now, I’m in a stage where I feel better than before. I still have the idle thought, but no impulse here could get me to move on that thought. I don’t have a tendency to just dwell on all the things wrong with me, my family, my community, my situation, anything that could bring me down. I have a vocal result that has money coming in, pulling my weight, and in fact doing far better than before.
But when you are in a situation like I was a few months prior to now. You feel just absolutely worthless to the world. Being the first of three sons to graduate, as the youngest as well. Everyone has great expectations for me. To graduate college, to become the very opposite of my older brothers. To have a good paying job that will help me on my feet. Yet I failed all these. All my life I tell myself I’ll be better than them, but only to fail. How terribly can that hurt one’s self esteem and self worth?
I often feel each day, the events we run into can determine our worth to ourselves. If the day is overly positive, we might feel less bad than normally. When you have a situation or an event that just hurts your common day to day life. You’re more likely to feel sad or depressed. How severe your situation is, can really depend how your inner thoughts turn. You’re less likely to feel hopeful.
I still face these thoughts. I’m not quite going to escape the religion influence that undoubtedly has helped me in my youth. And the lingering fear in my mind attributes to my depressed thoughts. “Will they hate me if I proclaim to be atheist?” “Will I have people harass me for leaving the church?” “Will I lose the friends I made in that church?” “Will my choice bite me in the ass later?”
I don’t intend to let my situation bring others down. But I also feel and think that the events of day to day influences our thoughts and self esteem. I can’t tell people to do positive things as it doesn’t guarantee that feeling you want. But I certainly know things that just preoccupy your mind can deafen out the devil on your shoulder. Things that either express your thoughts, or something to make you happy will tend to make your mood raise up.