Sibling Strife

Dear Reader,

A different topic this time around. And something I’ve thought about heavily these past few months. My mind has been dancing between some dark areas, and areas that were lacking. And one thing that came up was my lack of connection to my two older brothers. I’ve found that I really don’t have much of a connection, or longing of their presence.

Now that we’ve all became adults and beginning making our own lives. Both of my brothers have moved out and rented a place. Making their own place in the world. While I’m inching closer to my Twenty-First birthday in four months. They’ve done quite a bit despite the troubles they’ve gone through. and I hate to admit I don’t miss them at all. Nor am I really eager to see them.

There are quite a few reasons why I see why I’m not troubled with them gone.

My older brothers are two years apart, while I am the youngest by five and three. With that, they’ve already gone and made their choices. They have vastly different experiences. More attachments to my extended family than I’ve bothered to have. But with choices and experiences, I feel that’s taken it’s toll on their relationship with me.

      Both have a history of crime behind them. From just the common youth mistakes and poor choices. To further crimes. Theft, drug use, assault, Car Theft. They have both at least done these things. The strain it has placed at home was felt horribly. With a single mother doing everything and a half to straighten them out. But only to sadly fail when they both have spent time in federal prison for a month or two.

The second eldest child followed the first. He admired him. Idolized him if that is to be said. He’s even gone further than the first with heroine, multiple breaking and entering charges, and longer time spent in prison. He’s caused a lot more harm than the first. And to layer onto his problems is his high aggression against me as a child.

As the youngest of the three. I watched it all. I saw them get in trouble. I would go periods of time without seeing them. We hardly did much together as brothers. I felt like I had to wait until they were kicked out or left till I felt truly safe at home in my time. But I never spoke up about my unease and my sense of danger whenever they were home. As I only watched and listened from behind the safety of my door and room.

My brothers were aggressive. I’ve got my fair share of scars and bruises they’ve left on me. I couldn’t fight and often bullied me. Although some memories remain where we got along, those memories amount little to the mountain of disdain I held against them. I never provoked physical fights. Plenty of verbal however. But never struck first. I learned that they want you to fight.

They’ve fought multiple people. Many stories now between my step-dad and second eldest brother end up in someone getting punched or shoved. I know not to feed into their desire to hurt. As much as the aggression has died down, it still remains there. Much of the pain from the past has left me wanting to distance myself from them.


Another reason is the betrayals I felt. If it was not against my mom. It was on me. I’ve been lied to, stolen from, and pushed into corners into aiding them. I can’t trust them any more. And it takes the scrutiny from my family,  and the excuse “They’re family you know…”. To push to even bother with them. And I try my best to remain hidden as I’ve spent much of my life.

I don’t want to be involved with them any further than their children. With the second having a child just two years ago. My niece is a bright child and I wouldn’t do anything to be involved in her life. As long as I live with my mother, she will also have her Uncle Travis around. Until the day I’ll need to move out and make my place in this already crumby world.

For the sense of resentment of my brothers. I only get a sense of naivety from them about me. they talk to me normally. That same, somewhat rushed and never lengthy talks when we speak. We actually talk to one another like anyone who talks to those extended family who want to know what’s new, but never truly get involved in your life to be worth much thought.

I honestly look at my brothers.. not as brothers. Not as friends. But as if they were cousins I never really want to hang out with. Even when their girlfriends, and now wives have truly changed them for the better. There is still nothing that remains between us that establishes a better relationship. I never looked up to them. I never want to speak to them about anything anymore.


My older brothers also have nothing in common with me. At one point, I’ve had a connection with the eldest when we both played World of Warcraft on my account. We could speak at length about encounters and things like that. But when he quit. that interest dropped like a rock, and we remain distant and silent.

Our music tastes are vastly different as they enjoy hard rap and Insane Clown Posse. While I enjoy the orchestra and pop. They love the outdoors and hunting. While I prefer to stay inside and play games. They smoke cigarettes and pot, while the least I ever do now pop back soda, and ever rarely a beer. Just everything they do, I am the complete opposite and cannot stand it.

The most we have done together in the longest time is when we went on vacation in 2013. We went out with our boat, and camped out there. Swimming, fishing, pulling the raft. For as much fun as that has been. That was the last thing we did and truly got along. Now it’s been distance once again. Awkward conversations made up the entirety of 2015.

I just sometimes wish I could build an interest with them. I’ve tried getting into their hobbies, and only fell short.


This year, I feel much of my dark thoughts have stemmed from the broken relationships I have. How my resources and pool of people who I can open up too is dwindling. As seen in older reads in this blog. My friends don’t even truly know who I am. How I think and what I want from life. It seems the only people who even know me.. is my mother, my friends online, and one person who speaks to me on occasion.

This online personality gives me the chance to open up to people, where those at home should be the first to know. How I fear speaking to them, I’m not afraid to open up my account and tell one of my friends of how I loathe myself, or how I feel like I messed up. But can’t work the nerve to my close friends and family about my own feelings and mental state.

As my anniversary of my suicide attempt passes by this week. I’m going to continue examining the clear problems. Maybe vent about it.. maybe even find ways to fix them. But there are no promises. I still hold the same resolve to open up about myself. But lack the courage to budge. We will see with this new year on what happens.

In short, my older brothers and I have a distant relationship. I honestly believe there wouldn’t be anything missing if we stopped speaking to one another now. Our entire lives have been distant. And the responsibilities of the older brothers watching over me died long ago. Maybe they died when my father passed away. The one man I never knew and never will. While they had a chance and felt heart broken for most of their youth with that gaping hole in their hearts they had to fill on their own.

To me, they were never big brothers. Even as the closest of biological family. They really do not encompass much love from me. Even as family, I know that there isn’t much to the imagination happening once we all go our separate ways.


The Over Exaggeration of Patriarchy and Feminism’s Fall.

I do want to warn my audience beforehand that this is a topic that tackles first world feminism and the ideas that are often tossed about within it. It’s been a huge topic on my mind and I want to tackle it with my thoughts. I want to also note that my views do not stem because of my male gender or “privilege”. But the observations and opinions I’ve developed from what Feminism has shown.

Feminism is a huge topic now with equality. Women in history has been through undoubtedly tough situations. From being bargaining chips for royalty, to being second class humans. In the past, women were not equal as humans but rather an attachment. That has quickly changed with the new knowledge and ideas we accumulate as humans. As we progressively identify the strengths of both genders and welcome the full expression of it.

However, it’s taken a sharp decline since major media has become more and more prevalent in our society. The vocal masses are caught between “Equality for all genders”, “Equality for all but straight, white men”,  and the notorious “Man-hating cults”.  All these ideas and stereotypes have become so prominent between the views of people. We have so many issues between people’s individual views and how it applies to Feminism, we come to find the most simple of things in life to be “oppressive” to women.

Let’s take a good look into the “Manspreading” situation on the public transportation. Women have come to find that the way a man sits is oppressing women in some way.

Women come to find that how a man “Spreads eagle” so insulting and rude. However, we are easy to brush away the times when we find women doing things even worse.

We are so quick to blame men for so many issues. Nit picking at the little things that men do, or fail to do and shame them for it. Which a lot of feminism has become lately. We have women accusing ALL men for being patriarchal scum. From the common tweeting feminist, to bigger names who just cringe at the idea of men.

“All men are rapists and that’s all they are” — Marilyn French, Authoress; (later, advisoress to Al Gore’s Presidential Campaign.)

“To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.” — Valerie Solanas, Authoress of the SCUM Manifesto (SCUM stands for Society for Cutting Up Men)

“If life is to survive on this planet, there must be a decontamination of the Earth. I think this will be accompanied by an evolutionary process that will result in a drastic reduction of the population of males.” –Mary Daly, former Professor at Boston College, 2001.

These quotes here show the degradation of feminism. Where misandry comes into play. Where women claim these outrageous things about men. And unfortunately, get a vocal group to support such claims. Do we not realize that these man hating voices hinder the support of gender equality? Or are they just so ignorant or burnt with some past pain to even make such broad claims?

I never have once heard from another man that we should kill the women in the world. It’s a ridiculous to even consider removing an essential part of human beings to bring forth a new generation of equality and acceptance. We can never achieve tolerance through intolerance!

Let’s move onto another example. Anita Sarkeesian. A very vocal feminist who holds her opinions upon women in media. Which is making news almost every month somehow. Her voice is backed by who knows how many. But she makes outlandish claims and even makes claims that SUPPORT Patriarchy.

Lets take a look into Anita’s discussion in the “All About Women (2015)” and her input. From her words, she tries to explain to women on how to be a feminist, and what does and doesn’t work. But does she not realize what her words tackle against? She is vocally expressing patriarchy.

“More and more, I hear variations on this idea that anything that any woman personally chooses to do is a feminist act, this attitude is often referred to as “choice feminism”. Choice feminism posits that each individual woman determines what is empowering for herself, which might sound good on the surface but this concept risks obscuring the bigger picture and larger, fundamental goals of the movement by focusing on individual women and a very narrow, individual notion of “empowerment”. It erases the reality that some choices that women make have an enormous negative impact on other women’s lives.

It is not enough to feel personally empowered or be personally successful within the oppressive framework of the current system. Even if an individual woman can make patriarchy work for her, it’s still a losing game for the rest of the women on this planet. The fact of the matter is that some choices have ramifications beyond ourselves and reinforce harmful patriarchal ideas about women as a group and about women’s bodies in our wider shared culture.”

This quote here speaks about a woman’s choice to choose what she feels right for her. What she feels oppressed, and empowered by. Patriarchy would not support that individual thought for the woman. Individual Feminism, or individual equality is a GOOD THING! It’s a great right we have as human beings to choose what we feel is best for ourselves. A woman does not need to live in patriarchy if she chooses to do what she wants.

Many things that Anita Sarkeesian is known to speak against a woman’s choice to work in sex work environments. Where she will even inadvertently slut shame women for making choices to use their feminine sexuality to get ahead in life. Claiming that they are holding women back in equality. Shouldn’t we embrace a woman’s choice to go into any career she wishes? Anita is painting portraits that the female body is shameful and should be covered up. And a lot of people agree with this mind set.

I’m impressed that we are so quick to get offended by things that even promote Freedom of Expression. Where we have people apologizing for their positive notes on the expression of sexuality and human body. The famous #Shirtgate issue is just one of the many issues feminism has fallen into. Where a man wears a shirt with plenty of scantily dressed women is brought to tears because people are so offended by a woman’s body. Which, mind you. The shirt was made BY A WOMAN!

We should not censor art for the extreme political views of anyone. Art is a means of expression, and things where a woman wants to express her mind on the human body shouldn’t be taken offensively.

Feminism has fallen greatly from it’s first generation forthcoming. We have people who unknowingly support patriarchal views, and others who absolutely want to subject men. What happened to the equality aspect for all genders? This is why I try to convince all my friends to be human rights activists or egalitarians. For the modern Feminism has become a venomous cess pit of mixed views in the popular culture. We have examples of true work such as the ongoing effort to let women drive. But is easily shadowed by the common nonsense that is now American Feminism.

These are just my thoughts on the matter. Feminism needs a huge revamp right now because it’s current condition is more problematic, than helpful. We’ll never see proper equality if we have these confused opinions on what a woman should find empowering and oppressive. We need people to see the common sense in things, and fix what is broken. Not what isn’t broken.

If we wish to see men and women stand together and hold equal opportunities. We will need to stop having the “Us versus them” mind set. Feminists needs to see men just as equal to themselves. Not as public enemy number one. For there will never be a proper way to equality if we pretend there’s a gender war.